In my recent posts, I’ve been discussing various tips and techniques for taking your flirting to the next level. Today, let’s take a step back and talk about the order in which to use these techniques. Let’s talk about a blueprint for flirting.
It’s important to understand the stages of flirting with a woman, whether for the first time or the hundredth. While no rule is absolute, these guidelines will help your interactions reach new levels of intimacy and fun.
Here’s the basic blueprint:
Assertive Greeting > Fun Banter > Pick a Detail that Says Something About Her > Connect on Emotion > Tell a Personal Story > Repeat > Ask for the Next Step
- Assertive Greeting
When you greet her, it can be as simple as “hello” or something more creative. What matters is that you don’t put her on a pedestal in your greeting or early interactions. Women, despite what they may sometimes say, usually don’t react well to being put on a pedestal early in an interaction – they know they haven’t earned it, so you must either a) be up to something or b) not accustomed to dealing with women of their beauty.
A good greeting: “Hello there.”
A bad greeting: “Hello beautiful.” Or “My heart skipped a beat just looking at your photos.”
- Fun Banter
We covered this in an earlier post. Don’t jump right into facts or “what are you doing” kind of talk or deep conversation. The most important part of the Fun Banter phase is to show her that YOU ARE FUN to spend time with. Women have an incredible radar for avoiding boring or awkward situations and are quite adept at predicting them. Using your techniques for banter, have a good time. Keep it silly and fun.
- Pick a detail that says something about her.
After you’ve made her laugh with your banter a few times and the two of you have established a fun vibe, pick a detail out of something she says that seems to reveal something about her personality. If she says, “I didn’t want to exercise today, but I did anyway” you can pick out the detail that she has a certain dedication. If she says she likes to ride motorcycles, you can pick out the detail that she likes danger and adventure. The important thing is that you’re transitioning from Fun Banter to a conversation about who she really is. This is an important step in the conversation and transitions you to slightly more meaningful conversation. It also shows that you’re evaluating her, which is crucial for when you later compliment her. She will enjoy it more if she’s earned it.
- Connect on emotion.
We covered this in a previous post. Now that you’ve selected a detail, connect with her on the emotion of what she’s saying, not just the facts.
- Tell a personal story.
Just as you are exploring the kind of woman she is, she needs to understand the kind of guy you are. Now that you’ve connected on emotion, relate that point to a story about yourself. Don’t brag – she’ll see it as an attempt to impress her. But tell her a story – it should be long enough that it takes a few minutes to tell — that communicates something about your personality and how much you love life. Done well, this will be very attractive and intriguing to her. We’re going to discuss personal storytelling in my upcoming posts.
- Repeat: Go back to banter.
Now that you’ve done one cycle, you’ve guided her from a greeting to fun banter to exploring who she really is to connecting with her emotionally to telling her a story about yourself. Congratulations – most men don’t make it this far. Now that she’s fully intrigued, go back to banter and make her laugh again. Don’t let things get too serious in the conversation. Keep repeating the cycle and every time through you’ll both feel more turned on and more connected.
- Ask for the Next Step
For women, it’s very important that they feel you leading the interaction and moving it forward. Female friends of mine tell me about guys who they stop dating because the guy hasn’t moved the interaction forward through a next conversation, a date, a kiss, something sexual, a relationship, etc. Usually, another guy comes along and does move things forward. After you’ve repeated the cycle a few times, move things forward. If it’s your first conversation, tell her you’d like to speak again. If it’s a date, kiss her.
Changing the order of these steps is risky. Done well, you may be surprised how useful this blueprint will be in making your interactions more fun and more intimate.
In upcoming posts, we’re going to be exploring the art of personal storytelling.
In an earlier post, I talked about the importance of not “interviewing” a girl by asking too many consecutive questions. It’s your job to lead the conversation in a direction that emotionally connects the two of you. There’s a simple technique for better connecting with her emotionally: respond to the emotional content of what she says, rather than the factual content.
For example, if she says:
- “I went skydiving once.”
- Fact-based Response: “Cool. My cousin is a professional skydiver.”
- Emotion-based Response: “That’s awesome. I like when people are adventurous enough to step outside their everyday comfort zone. I try to do that once every day in some small way. How did you feel right after you jumped?”
By telling you she went skydiving, she’s communicating both factual content (she went skydiving) and emotional content (she’s fun, adventurous and not boring). If you respond with a fact about your cousin (especially one that “one-ups” her story), she doesn’t feel like you two are connecting. If you acknowledge what she’s trying to tell you emotionally and lead the conversation toward that, the two of you will build a much deeper connection.
Guys often get this wrong. When we speak to each other, one-upmanship is natural. It connects guys to each other and establishes power relationships. When guys do it to girls, it feels cold and disconnected.
Take a look at the following statements a woman on AnastasiaDate might write to you. What’s the fact-based response you could give? What’s the better, emotion-based response you could give?
- “I traveled all by myself once to Spain for two weeks.”
- “The last book I read was a novel about a woman who is torn between two men.”
- “My mother always tells me that I’m too impatient, and if I’m more patient I will get more of what I want.”
Practice this technique and you’ll find that your conversations with women leave both of you feeling more connected.
Now that we’ve covered the importance of being fun and avoiding interviewing the girl, today I’ll give you some examples of how to banter with her using a technique I call Inversion.
Many women, when talking to a new guy, have legitimate concerns: does he just want sex? Is he going to be a stalker? The key to good banter is inverting this conventional male / female dynamic to be playful and put her at ease. To do this, simply invert what you’re expected to say or do. For instance:
- Tell her she’s moving WAY too fast and that you like to take things slow, be wined and dined first
- If she says she likes something (anything — for instance, the color green), tell her you know all about girls who like the color green – they’re trouble and that you swore to yourself you’d never date them again.
- Give her a funny nickname based on an exaggerated personality trait. If she tells you she rode a motorcycle once, accuse her of being in a motorcycle gang. Give her the nickname “Switchblade”. Then use that nickname later when you talk to her again, “What’s up, Switchblade?”
- Once you build a good banter going and you’re both comfortable with each other, you can start to joke about sexual topics. Inversion is one of the most fun ways to do this because it takes pressure off of her. To use inversion, jokingly accuse her of being only interested in sex. Tell her you’re not just a piece of meat, but a living breathing human being with feelings too. Tell her that women never see you for who you are.
- Tell her you hope that she’s not a stalker.
My friend Alessandro is a natural at this kind of flirting. Here are some excerpts of a conversation he had recently on Anastasia Date with a woman he liked – notice how he uses inversion to make the conversation fun:
Irina: What are you wanting from our interaction?
Alessandro: i’m wanting you to fly over here and marry me this weekend without getting to know me, and give me millions of dollars so that i never have to work again. EVER.
Alessandro: are you already on the plane? hahaha
Irina: i am already here! behind your back
Alessandro: whoa — behind me? i’m SO uncomfortable being close to you. this is moving WAY too fast. i like to be wined and dined before you sneak up behind me and put your moves on me.
Irina: too late!
One of the reasons women find this kind of banter attractive is – aside from being fun and humorous – it shows that you understand the dynamics between men and women. Just make sure it’s funny – if she doesn’t laugh, you’re not doing it right.
Figuring the right time and the right way to use inversion takes a little practice, but it’s usually a great way to amp up the playfulness and to get her laughing. Next up – I’m going to talk about how to transition from this kind of banter into more meaningful conversation.